Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.