*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
You Might Also Like
That’s what I call a flat tire
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂