“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
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When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name