him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
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Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET