I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
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I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Oh the world we live in…
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015