Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.