The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
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If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.