Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
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My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT