*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
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this has done me in for some reason
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.