911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
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Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
This is enough internet for the day.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go