My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold