“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
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ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?