What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
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I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.