Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
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Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY