Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
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i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry