not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
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Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I wish this was real life…
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.