“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream