Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart