Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
“i miss shittin on people”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music