When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs