Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.