Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
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You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
This is sending me to another galaxy
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me