If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
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Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.