Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
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[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.