when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
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ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for