Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
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Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
got so much cardio in today
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
If I ignore life will it go away?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
My work here is don’t.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.