Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
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All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Rt to bother an English speaker
getting groceries
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect