The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
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My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer