do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
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#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.