Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
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LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I have many caverns
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN