If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
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WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Netflix and awkward silence?