[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
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6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
same vibe as tangled headphones
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.