My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
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If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside