You have been warned.
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“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
handsome & gretel
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.