just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
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wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.