A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*