*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
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I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …