I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m sorry…what?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”