[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
You Might Also Like
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.