*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Not now. I’m deglazing.