Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
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Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.