She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
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I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
You better watch out
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it