Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
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First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
That 👊
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.