My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Hello Twits.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting