Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
🤣🤣🤣
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.