Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
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So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Danger is very dangerous
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances