Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
You Might Also Like
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I’m a self-made hundredaire
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
thanksgiving in nutshell
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?