GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
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When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body