Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
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Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Time for evil
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.