People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
You Might Also Like
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Just this preview of the story is enough
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Nice try Hitler
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
A tragic love story in two pictures.